A Leg to Stand On by Colleen Haggerty

Author:Colleen Haggerty
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: She Writes Press
Published: 2014-06-28T04:00:00+00:00

In a fit of panic and loneliness, I visited my friend Luann, one of the outdoor crew I’d grown close to while backpacking earlier in the academic year. I was embarrassed to admit I was in this predicament, but I needed to talk to someone and get some advice. I practically ran into her arms when I saw her, so desperate was I for a hug. I felt so distressed that I started sobbing.

“What is it, Colleen? What’s wrong?” Luann seemed to have a charmed life, and her voice was light and casual.

“The worst thing ever,” I sobbed onto her shoulder. Boy, she doesn’t see this coming.

“Your mom died?” She pulled me away by the shoulders and looked at me in concern. Oh my god, I thought, she’s right. It was good perspective to remember that something like my mom dying would be much worse than this.

“No, I’m pregnant.” Not death, but new life.

With a little laugh, she said, “Oh, is that all?”

I shook my head in disbelief and sat down at the kitchen table. “Luann, this is a big deal. I’m thinking of giving the baby up for adoption.”

“Oh.” She sat down with me. “Well, if that’s what you want.” Her brow furrowed. “Why don’t you just have an abortion?” I loved Luann. I respected her and her liberal, freestyle thinking. But even this was a little cavalier for me.

“Luann, abortion is a sin.” I heard a plea in my voice as if trying to convince her.

“Oh, you still believe that?” She looked at me wide-eyed. I didn’t want to believe in predetermined sin, but Catholic dogma was ingrained in me. I tried to look at my choices outside of that construct, but Father Dempsey’s judgment was like a claw in my back.

Luann had grown up in an Italian Catholic family, so she knew what I was faced with. I admired how she had given up the Catholic faith so easily, with no looking back. Me? I’d given lip service to letting go of Catholicism when among my liberal friends, but I kept looking over my shoulder, watching it follow me, feeling it lurk behind every decision I made.

“I do believe it,” I said.

Luann reached out and put her hands on mine. “Colleen, whose life is this? It’s yours, isn’t it? And who else knows the big picture of everything you’re dealing with?”

“No one,” I replied, dabbing at my tears.

“Well, if you can’t trust you to make a decision for you, I don’t know who else you’re going to trust the rest of your life.”

Why those simple words hit me so hard, I don’t really know. But what I did know was that she was right. It was time I figured out how to be responsible for my choices, and to think through my options based on what made sense for me rather than on who would judge me. Even God couldn’t live my life for me. It was all on me.

I got up, dried my face with my sleeve, and hugged Luann good-bye.

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